


let chance take me to your shore

by basl



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Drinking, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Depression, Injury Recovery, M/M, Magical Realism, Mild Blood, Strangers to Friends, Witches, there are mentions of a past attack towards the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:35:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22757902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/basl/pseuds/basl
Summary: Dan feels like he’s underwater. Everything seems filtered, the voice, the colors, even the pain he was feeling a moment ago.He closes his eyes again.“Stay with me,” the voice pleads.But Dan’s tired, and sleep is more inviting.or dan and phil are witches that somehow find each other.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 11
Kudos: 46





	let chance take me to your shore

**Author's Note:**

  * For [vvelna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vvelna/gifts).



> Dear Liz, thank you so much for always supporting my stories, your encouragement means the world to me and I wanted to give you something back. I hope you like this story <3
> 
> I shall declare my eternal gratitude for @secretlizard now. Nellie, thank you so much for being such an amazing beta, this story wouldn't be the same without your insight and your help <3

At some point, the noises of the night stop being scary. His brain barely registers the crack of branches under his feet or the crickets chirping the night away. 

Dan has been wandering for a couple of days… or maybe it has been a couple of hours. Actually, he can't tell how long it has been. All he knows is that he was hurting at first, but can't feel anything anymore.

All he has left is numbness and a memory. His Nana reading him a bedtime story about a good little witch running away from home to join the dark witches. He never dared to tell anyone, but he always wondered if the story could go the other way around. If a little dark witch could run to the good witches and be accepted, be taught, be changed. A small part of him always hoped for it to be possible. He spent all of his childhood wishing for that change, all of his teen years angry at himself for being what he was, and his early adulthood trying to make himself into the kind of person he was supposed to be. Not that all of that matters anymore. He is probably seeing his last hours.

Dan has already come to terms with it he is weak and wounded and lost in the woods, there's no hope for him. There never actually was any hope for him. He is disowned by his kind, the deep cut across his chest is proof of that. He is exiled, doomed, left alone to die in the wildness.

He’ll never see his family again, he’ll never say sorry to his Nana for letting her down, he’ll never fix his relationship with his father or actually learn the things he was supposed to learn. He’ll never make a friend, know what real selfless love is. 

He has lived his life without doing a single good thing. At least he can say he hasn’t done a bad thing either. If he wasn’t to die alone here, if he was to have a burial and a tombstone, the words on his grave would read ‘here lies Dan, he was neutral at best’. Dan giggles at the thought, maybe he’s delusional or maybe he is actually hilarious, now he’ll never know. 

Dan’s tired, he’s not sure for how much longer his legs will carry him. He’s not the best at directions but he hopes he is far away from his old town, that maybe he made it to the other side. The mere thought fills him with completely unexpected joy. He really, really hopes he is on the other side.

With that, he allows himself to find a nice spot against a tree. He is going to rest just for a minute, keep walking later… he only needs a minute.

Once he is sitting down, Dan feels the world start to spin. He feels drunk, lightheaded like he is watching someone else move his limbs in slow motion. He lifts his hand to his chest, to the wound that now decorates it, he presses on it just to feel the sting of pain. Maybe he could have healed it but his magic has been weak since the moment they cut the link. He would have passed out just trying to gather enough energy for a healing spell, he preferred to use that energy to walk as far away as possible.

The cold wind hits his bare chest and he shivers. Now that he’s not moving the cold intensifies. He’s not sure he can stand up again, his legs feel numb and tingly and there is not much point to it anyway. This part of the woods seems as good as any other to just lay down and… let whatever is going to happen happen.

He should just sleep. He has heard that it is more peaceful that way. He would just be gone, an insignificant star in a sea of stars, dying and falling. Maybe someone will make a wish, but most likely no one will notice. For some reason that’s comforting. Life just goes on even if he is not there to project any light. The stars will keep twinkling.

Dan lets his eyes fall shut, lets his body slump to the ground completely. He says his goodbyes to this world and this life and lets sleep take over his body for one last time.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

  
  


Dan’s shaking. Maybe. He can’t tell. Is he being shaken?

There’s a distant noise that sounds vaguely like a voice. He tries to open his eyes but his eyelids feel heavy and he is too tired to make much of an effort

Something touches the wound on his chest and he whines, but the pain clears his mind enough to open his eyes. His vision is clouded but he can make out the silhouette of someone leaning over him.

“You’re going to be ok,” the stranger says. 

Dan feels like he’s underwater. Everything seems filtered, the voice, the colors, even the pain he was feeling a moment ago.

He closes his eyes again.

“Stay with me,” the voice pleads. 

But Dan’s tired, and sleep is more inviting. 

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

There’s light, that’s the first thing Dan notices, the soft pillow under his head is the second. He’s disoriented. One second he’s on the hard ground of the woods and now he’s here. Where is he?

“Don’t move too much.”

Dan’s heart skips a beat, “sorry,” he rasps. It feels like ages since the last time he used his voice, and even now he feels removed, as if he is not actually the one talking.

“‘s fine. Don’t want to make the pain worse, do we?” 

The stranger moves closer. Instinctively, Dan flinches away. The sudden movement makes his head spin.

“I won’t hurt you,” he says, frizzing in place.

“I’m-” Dan lifts his hand to his chest, to the cut, the broken mark. The proof of what he is.

“I know,” the stranger cuts Dan off. “You need to rest.”

He stands up again and walks to the door but stops midway. 

He turns around.

“I’m Phil.”

Then he’s gone.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

“...problems! He’s problems!” A voice whisper-shouts somewhere right outside the door.

“Shhh, you’re gonna wake him up.”

“Phil, think this through.”

“I already made my decision.”

Dan can hear a soft whine and then the door flies open. He closes his eyes and tries to even his breath, hoping it looks convincing.

A hand touches his forehead and he can hear Phil mumbling to himself.

“The fever is gone.” 

Then he lowers the blanket covering Dan’s chest, and Dan notices something is sticking to his skin, bandages probably.

“Gotta change those.” Phil pulls away. Dan can hear him rummaging across the room. A moment later, the door opens and closes.

He waits a minute to open his eyes, waiting to be sure Phil is not coming back in.

Now that his head is not spinning, he takes a look around his surroundings. The room is packed but somehow it doesn't look messy. There's a shelf full of books and pots, there’s a nice lamp on the desk with a colorful mosaic shade. The curtains are pulled open letting the soft afternoon light spill into the room, a vase with flowers and an amethyst moon rest on the windowsill. Dan turns his head to the other side where a cozy-looking couch is placed by the corner beside a table scattered with candles and an old book.

Dan likes this place, it’s warm and homey and a thousand times better than the cold room he was renting, but this place is not his and as the unknown voice said moments ago, he _is_ problems.

Shoving the blanket that Phil put over him away, Dan tries to get up from the bed. He knows that he’s still weak even after all Phil’s ministrations, that he can’t use his magic right now. He supports himself on the bedside table, knocking some things over in the process. Dan curses himself for the mess and the noise. This might not be his best idea but he feels sick just thinking about anyone getting hurt because of him. 

He makes it as far as the foot of the bed before the door flies open.

“Fuck,” Dan mutters under his breath.

Phil stays frozen by the door, he is carrying a tray full of little bowls, his expression doesn’t give anything away.

“It’s everything alright?” Phil asks stepping forward and leaving the tray on the desk. “Do you need to use the bathroom?”

“I’m- uh… yeah,” Dan answers, nervous energy crawling up his body. 

Maybe there is a big enough window in the bathroom for him to get out through, he thinks. It’s a flawed plan. e can barely walk, and there is no way he can climb down from a window.

Dan pushes himself away from the bed. His legs are shaking a little but he manages to stay standing. Phil is watching him closely, probably waiting for Dan’s knees to bend so he can help him the rest of the way up. For some reason, that only makes Dan feel worse.

He makes it to the bathroom. There’s a big enough window by the tub but this is the second floor and Dan wasn’t really planning on escaping anyway, so he splashes water on his face and sits on the closed lid of the toilet to think about what to do next.

Phil seems like a nice dude, it’s not fair to just leave without at least saying thank you. He’ll probably understand why Dan needs to go. He’s not meant to be here, he doesn’t want to cause Phil any trouble.

Dan stands up and flushes the toilet for good measure, since Phil is surely still hanging around.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

“You never got to tell me your name,” Phil says when he sees Dan emerge from the bathroom. “I mean, I know you’ve been unconscious most of the time you’ve been here…” Phil shrugs, his timid smile looks like an apology.

“Dan,” he looks at Phil for a second and decides this moment is as good as any other. “Thank you so much for healing my wound, Phil. I really thought I was gonna die out there.” he laughs, trying to lighten the statement. “I’m fine now, though. I think it would be better if I leave.”

Phil sighs, “you heard us talking earlier, didn’t you?” 

It doesn’t really sound like a question so Dan doesn’t answer.

“You don’t have to leave. You can’t leave,” he says firmly.

“I’ll be ok, I really don’t want to cause you any trouble,” Dan tries to explain.

“You can barely walk and it’s freezing outside. You wouldn’t survive.”

He hadn't expected Phil to be this stubborn.

“You’re too nice,” Dan knows he already lost this battle.

“Come on, I’ll help you back to the bed,” Phil takes hold of Dan’s arm and supports his weight till he is laying down again. 

Phil brings the tray he was carrying and puts it on the bed beside Dan. He removes the old bandages and carefully wipes the skin with a wet cloth. Dan just watches him work. The bowls on the tray are filled with dried herbs and other substances Dan doesn’t recognize.

“I’m a dark witch,” Dan blurts out as Phil is applying salve to his skin. “I was,” he bites his lip. 

He doesn't know why he felt the need to state the obvious but it feels good to say it out loud. It’s almost freeing. Almost.

Phil nods once. “You’ll be fine, Dan. Just stick around, yeah?”

Just for a little while, Dan thinks. Just until he is well enough to survive on his own.

Phil carries on changing the bandages and Dan keeps watching him.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

The sun has already set when Phil wakes him up again. He is carrying the same tray as earlier but now it only has one big bowl and a mug.

“Dinner,” Phil says, helping him sit up against the pillows.

“Thanks.”

Phil gives him the tea-filled mug and takes the bowl before putting the tray aside.

“You gonna feed me?” Dan teases because he can’t help himself. Even in this situation, he can’t be completely serious.

Phil shrugs but takes a spoonful of whatever is in the bowl and lifts it to Dan’s mouth. He makes eye contact with Phil for a second before opening his mouth.

“This is so good!” Dan cries out after he swallows. “You made it?”

Phil nods, “my mum’s recipe.”

Dan takes the bowl from Phil’s hands and starts devouring the soup like he hasn’t eaten in days - and, well, he hasn’t.

“I would offer you more,” Phil says as he takes the now empty bowl from Dan’s hands, “but I’m afraid you may get sick."

Dan wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “It’s alright, as long as I can have that for breakfast as well.”

Phil smiles at him and passes the mug back.

“I’ll reheat it for you.”

“Thanks,” Dan says, feeling extremely emotional all of a sudden. He can’t remember the last time someone was this kind to him. Maybe no one has ever been as kind to him as Phil.“Thanks for everything.”

“I like to help,” Phil says quietly, he’s looking down at his lap almost as if he is embarrassed.

Dan just looks at him. Phil's pretty, he notices, with that crooked nose and beautiful blue eyes. Dan could cry right now, Phil is beautiful and kind and Dan is a mess, there are bags under his eyes and he hasn’t showered in days and he is a fucking outcast, a reject.

“Do you want another blanket?” Phil asks, bringing Dan back to reality. “Sorry I can’t give you a shirt yet, it would be complicated to change the bandages.”

“Another blanket would be fine,” Dan smiles politely.

Phil gets up to rummage through the closet and passes Dan a blue blanket,

“I’ll see you in the morning, Dan.”

“See you.”

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

The next couple of days come and go, Dan sleeps through most of them only waking up to eat and use the bathroom but even getting up for that makes him feel exhausted. The cut in his chest is healing very slowly, it seems to be worrying Phil but Dan doesn’t really mind because then he can stay at Phil’s without feeling as guilty.

On the third day, Dan wakes up before Phil brings him breakfast. His skin is prickling, the four walls of the room make him feel trapped. Dan gets up off the bed with considerably less difficulty than on the other days. He decides he needs some fresh air and he doesn’t care if he has to throw himself down the stairs to get it.

Somehow, he reaches the first floor without hurting himself. The lounge is empty but Dan can hear voices coming from what he supposes must be the kitchen.

“Stop being so grumpy then,” Phil laughs.

He is sitting at a small table and there is a huge greyhound sitting in front of him. It sees Dan first and huffs, hopping off of the chair and walking out of the kitchen. 

Dan watches in confusion.

“I think your dog doesn’t like me,” he tells Phil.

Phil stands up and comes closer to Dan, “Sigfrid isn't my dog, he’s my familiar,” he explains. “Are you ok? Do you need anything?”

“I just need some air.”

“Wait, you came down the stairs all alone?” Phil sounds concerned now.

“It’s fine”, Dan brushes it off.

He spots a door that seems to lead outside and steps through.

They’re in the middle of the woods, Dan couldn’t have noticed before, being unconscious and all that, but Phil’s house seems to be the only one around. He can’t decide if that’s good or scary. 

There's a garden full of plants Dan can't recognize and others that he vaguely remembers from his grandma's house. There is a swing bench too. The cool morning air makes Dan shiver a little, maybe he shouldn’t have gone outside shirtless. He takes a seat on the bench, feeling very tired all of a sudden. He’s not sure if he feels better being outside, but he made his way here all alone and that thought does make him feel a little better so he just closes his eyes and lets the sound of the woods fill his head.

He might have passed out for a minute, but Phil putting a blanket around his shoulders wakes him again. Phil runs his hand up and down Dan’s shoulders, creating some friction to warm him up quicker and then settles beside him on the swing. He begins unwrapping the bandages from Dan’s bare chest with great care.

He clicks his tongue, “this isn’t healing as it should.” He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands. Perhaps he is just as tired as Dan.

“I know,” Dan answers. “The dagger they used was enchanted.”

Dan doesn’t immediately offer more information, he hasn’t thought about what happened that night at all. The pain he suffered was unlike any other pain he has ever felt or will ever feel. And it might just be in his head but even recalling it makes his chest hurt.

“It didn’t only cut my skin, it also cut the magic bond. No normal blade would do that,” Dan’s not looking at Phil but he can feel his gaze on him.

“That’s cruel.”

Dan barks out a humorless laugh.

“Sorry,” Phil says quickly. 

“It’s kind of supposed to be cruel. It’s a punishment.”

He expects Phil to ask what he did, what made the dark witches disown Dan. But he doesn’t and Dan is very grateful because he doesn’t think he is ready to explain it. Instead, Phil puts a hand on Dan’s knee and give it a gentle squiz.

“Herbalism isn’t strong enough to heal this then,” he gets up of the bench, “but I think I know something that might be. Let’s go inside.”

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

They’re sitting in front of each other on a rug on the floor by a window, three white candles are strategically placed like a triangle around them, Phil also marked a triangle in both of their foreheads with some kind of oil.

“I’m going to use projection,” he explains to Dan. “Basically, I’m going to transmit healing vibes to you. It will heal you from the inside,” he smiles.

“And what am I supposed to do?” Dan’s not really familiar with this type of ritual. He would have just used a healing spell because it’s quicker even if it only would have cured the external wound.

“Just sit and clear your head, ok? You won’t really feel anything.”

Dan nods, “should I like, close my eyes or something?”

Phil laughs softly, “if you want to.”

“I’m gonna do it,” Dan informs him as he closes his eyes.

Dan hears Phil chuckle again and feels a smile of his own spread on his face. He realizes then that this whole thing requires at least some level of trust, Dan surprises himself with how much he already trusts Phil after so little of knowing him.

He just really hope he’s not being naive.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Phil’s magic is very different from Dan’s, he notices. He always thought that good and dark magic were pretty much the same, except maybe one used more black candles and demons than the other. He was wrong. The magic Phil is using is delicate, gentle. It’s nothing like the rushed and messy magic Dan has used all his life. 

Dan doesn’t really feel anything while Phil is doing the projection, there’s not a sudden change, the cut isn’t closing straightaway but Dan is overcome with such peace he feels like he could fall asleep sitting there.

He doesn't know if he will ever be able to cast a spell again, his magic doesn't have a source anymore. It's like an uncontrollable fire that expands around his body, nothing containing it. The fire could just die down, or burn him alive from the inside.

It's a scary thing to lose control of something so inherent to him as his powers, but right now he can only sit and wait for his body to recharge and his magic to return. He just hopes the fire can be tamed.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

After the projecting ritual, Dan naps for three hours on the couch. He feels a lot better when he wakes up but Phil tells him that the effects of this kind of magic aren’t exactly immediate and he still needs to rest. Dan concedes and goes back to bed.

He doesn't feel like sleeping anymore and he doesn’t want to snoop around what he supposes is Phil’s room. He’s so bored he figures checking if his powers have recharged won’t hurt anyone - maybe himself but he is already hurt so it doesn’t count.

Dan tries something easy, the simplest thing he knows. Casting a fire on his hand. Children are taught to do this. He remembers how much he loved to cast fires when he was little. Dan has always been a little afraid of the dark but being able to hold a little flame on his palm made him feel powerful, like he could scare away the monsters creeping in the dark with his light. He spent endless sleepless nights watching fire after fire die down on his hand. 

A fire rune is enough to cast the flame. Dan brings his pointer finger to his open palm and draws the familiar outline of _Kenaz._ He holds his breath in anticipation, waiting for the fire to appear.

Nothing happens.

He tries again. It doesn't work. He does it with his other hand. Nothing. He sucks on a deep breath, calming himself down as to not panic.

This is supposed to be simple, the simplest form of magic. Runes are easy and yet he doesn't have enough power to use them.

It feels bad. Dan feels defeated. The thought of losing his powers makes his stomach turn and his head spin. This is all he has ever known, and even if it is not everything he is, magic is still a big part of him. Losing it means that _they_ win, that they're right and Dan is undeserving.

It breaks his heart.

He lays down again because suddenly he doesn't have enough strength to stay upright. He feels broken, crushed by the realization. He really has nothing now.

Dan doesn't know how much time passes before Phil is back again. He brings Dan lunch. Dan doesn't deserve this attention, he doesn't deserve Phil's kindness.

"I'm not hungry," Dan says, voice small.

Phil puts everything aside and sits on the bed.

"Are you feeling poorly again?" Phil leans down to look at Dan's face. Dan holds himself still and doesn't turn away. "You think the projection made it worse?"

Dan shrugs.

From the time Dan has been here he has only known one of Phil's moods: worried.

"Are you hurting, Dan?" He asks, eyes wandering to the cut on Dan’s chest.

Dan shrugs again.

He doesn't want to be annoying but he's not sure he can talk without breaking down in tears. And he has humiliated himself in front of Phil enough. He might be the best person Dan has crossed paths with, but he’s still pretty much a stranger and he’s not going to cry in front of a stranger, especially not while half-naked and wounded. Dan still has some pride left.

He needs to calm down, for his own sake.

He’s jumping to conclusions, Dan tries to reason with himself, this doesn’t mean that he lost his magic. He didn’t. He’s just recharging. It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine…

“Dan,” Phil's gentle hand brushes Dan’s hair off his face, “you want me to leave?”

“No,” Dan says quickly. “I’m sorry. I think _I_ should leave.”

This whole situation is too much for Dan. This isn’t what exile is like. If someone finds out he’s here Phil would get in so much trouble. Dan really wasn’t thinking about the consequences of this, he's not only importuning Phil with his presence he is potentially ruining Phil's life.

“Where would you even go?” Phil asks, there’s no malice on his voice but it still stings to hear that.

“To the woods. It doesn’t matter, I’m not going to ruin your life,” he sits up, really determined to leave.

“What? Ruin my life?” Phil stands up and moves closer to the door, ready to block the way out.

“What happens if someone finds out you have a dark witch in your house? A fucked up, exiled one,” Dan gets up and stalks towards Phil, who doesn’t back up.

“Why would that matter?”

Dan just shakes his head, “I’m trying to do the right thing.”

“Why don’t you tell me what’s upsetting you? We’ll figure something out, I’m not letting you go to die out there.”

Dan takes a deep breath, forcing himself to relax his hands, balled into fists by his sides. “I dunno,” he sighs, “my life’s going to shit and I think I lost my magic,” Dan mumbles, not really looking at Phil but at the wall beside his head.

“Why do you think that?” he is acting so calm and collected it’s almost annoying.

“Well, I tried to use it” Dan makes a vague hand gesture. “Nothing happened.”

A long minute of silence stretches between them. Phil looks at him, pensive, while Dan purposely avoids his gaze.

“You haven’t healed completely,” Phil says after a while. “I don’t think it's really gone.”

Dan shrugs, “Who the fuck knows.”

As if this whole situation isn’t weird enough, Phil seems to perk up at that. “I’ll be right back. Don’t move.”

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Phil comes back with a laptop and sits on the bed, and Dan hovers awkwardly by the window trying not to stare too much. Dan already knows he won't find anything unless he's some kind of master hacker. There's no way he has access to dark witches’ archives. 

"Uhh-" Phil starts, after a while of typing and reading. "There's not much."

Dan represses a sigh.

"I thought I could find something," he clicks his tongue. "Apparently, breaking someone's mark is an old dark ritual that was performed on those who were accused of betrayal."

Dan waits for the accusatory tone or the judging look but Phil surprises him again by looking just as composed as he did before. Dan's still not fucking ready to talk about what happened. He doesn't know if he'll ever be. 

"There's nothing about stripping away their magic. They disown them as a punishment, and exile is not even explicitly prescribed, you know? That means you can stay."

"Yeah, what does the file say about keeping a dark witch in your room?" 

Dan doesn't want to be rude but this whole thing is giving him a headache. He's trying to do the right thing for once and Phil seems so reluctant to let him.

"Technically, you're not a dark witch."

"Of course, a technicality is gonna save our asses."

Phil laughs at that. He fucking laughs. Dan swears he's going to strangle him.

"I know you're freaked out because of your magic being temporarily gone, but we'll figure something out."

Dan's already shaking his head, "I can't ask you for that."

Phil has already done so much for Dan, he refuses to ask him for anything else. He has to solve his own problems and Phil needs to stop being so kind because it's impossible for someone to be this nice and not have any hidden motivation. Maybe Phil wants Dan to be fresh and healthy again to eat him. That's the only explanation.

"You're not asking, I'm offering," Phil says, shrugging one shoulder.

Phil wants to bake Dan very slowly and serve him with mango sauce and a side of rice, he's sure. 

"You're fucking unreal," Dan finally looks him in the eyes.

"Please, let me help you?" Phil asks in a soft voice, holding Dan's gaze.

They stare at each other for a couple of unblinking seconds and that's enough for Dan to know how fucked he is.

"Oh, whatever."

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

So many emotions in such a short time leave Dan exhausted, and he sleeps for most of the evening and part of the night. It's his rumbling stomach that finally wakes him up. 

Everything is dark, he is a little cold and he hasn't eaten since breakfast. Plus the cut is itching like hell and Dan wants nothing but to crawl out of his body.

He opens Phil's closet, takes out whatever feels most like a hoodie and puts it on. After a quick stop to the bathroom, Dan goes downstairs hoping to find some food.

The lights of the kitchen are already on, and Dan’s not really surprised to find Phil moving around the place while he leaves every damn cupboard and drawer open.

“What are you even doing?” Dan asks.

Phil doesn’t seem startled at all, he just keeps on putting stuff into little fabric bags.

“Sneaking out in the middle of the night?” Phil counters, still not looking up.

“Just hungry,” Dan shrugs.

“Serve yourself,” Phil finally looks at Dan and gives him a sideways smile. “There’s leftover lasagna in the fridge.

Dan gets the container out and finds a fork in an already open drawer. He eats the lasagna cold. Phil gives him a weird look but doesn’t question him.

“What are you doing?” Dan asks again after a while of eating and watching Phil.

“Getting ready for work.”

“Work?” Dan puts the empty container aside. “Like, for the morning?”

“No,” Phil chuckles. 

“For right now?” Dan asks incredulously.

Phil hums.

“What kind of job needs to be done in the middle of the night. Are you like, a hitman or something?” Dan chuckles to himself. He's not a hitman right… right?

“No,” Phil looks amused, “I’m the guardian of this side of the woods.” 

"Oh," Dan doesn't really know what that entails. "And you can't do this in the morning?"

"Most folks prefer to go out at night," Phil returns to his bags.

"Do you prefer to go out at night?" Dan leans into the counter, trying to get a better look at what Phil's doing.

"It's ok. I don't mind."

Dan would really mind.

"It's fucking dark outside," Dan lets out an incredulous giggle.

"Yeah," Phil chuckles.

"I would shit my pants if I had to go out into the woods alone in the dark to check on the freaking dragons."

"There are no dragons here."

"Still, it's kind of terrifying," Dan mumbles, looking down at his feet.

"I don't usually go alone anyway, Sigfrid comes with me. Right now he is throwing a tantrum though. So I'll manage alone."

Phil doesn't sound accusatory but Dan still feels bad. He knows that Phil's familiar is upset because Dan is staying. So driven by impulse and guilt he says some words he may regret later.

"I'll go with you."

"No, it's fine. You need to rest," Phil gives him a warm smile because he's so nice -and probably wants to eat Dan for dinner.-

"I wanna go" Dan lies, surprising even himself for how convincing he sounds.

Phil sizes him up, squinting his eyes a little. Dan just stands there under Phil's eyes, waiting for the verdict

After a moment, Phil shrugs.

"Ok, you can come."

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Phil gives Dan a flashlight and gets an oil lamp for himself, for the dramatic effect, Dan figures. It’s a cold night. The wind is merciless, turning their cheeks pink. Dan’s glad Phil lent him a coat. 

“Here,” Phil says, handing Dan the sachets he was filling. “Just hide them around.”

“What are they for?” Dan sniffs one, it smells like cinnamon.

“Protection charms,” Phil explains. “The forest folk like them.”

Dan wonders how well Phil knows the creatures that live in the woods, he didn’t cross paths with any when he was in there, but his head was pretty fogged. He wouldn't remember anyway. It feels like it was a long time ago, he hasn’t been scared of the woods or its inhabitants, the pain too sharp and mind consuming to think about being frightened.

Right now he isn’t in pain. Dan is pretty aware of the darkness and the scary things hidden in there.

“Alright?” Phil puts a hand on Dan’s shoulder.

Dan nods. They're already out, he can do it.

Phil leads the way and Dan follows him closely, not wanting to risk getting eaten.

"They won't come out," Phil says.

Dan wonders if the fear is written all over his face or maybe Phil can read minds. Dan read somewhere some witches can.

Dan huffs, "you don't know that."

"They're shy," Phil stops walking. "Can you put a couple of sachets up there?" He points to a low branch.

They continue depositing the bags in what Phil calls strategic places. Dan has a lot of questions. Like, why does Phil give them the charms? What do these folks need protection from? He wants to know about what Phil does, but the silence is nice for now.

Phil suggests they rest for a minute, they haven't been walking for that long but Dan recognizes he kind of needs it, he has never really been athletic and after spending so many days laying on a bed he's not sure he can handle walking very far.

They sit on the ground, a magic mist seems to be emanating out of the old moss-covered trees. Dan is curious as much as he's terrified. He has never seen the magic folks before, they don't tend to casually show up around town and the witches respect their spaces. At least most of them do. Dan always has. It's interesting to see Phil so comfortable being in their space and talking like they're his old pals. For all Dan knows, they might as well be.

Just one week ago, Dan was thinking he was going to die out here, to turn into dust right here, to cease existing with the trees and the stars as the only witnesses. But Phil found him, somehow. And decided he wanted to help Dan.

"Where did you find me?" Dan asks, breaking the silence.

Phil looks at him, examines his face for something. He does that a lot. "Not so far from here.”

“Were you doing this?” 

“Yeah, I was out here with Sigfrid. A couple of Elves came to find me. They saw you stumbling around the woods.”

“Oh,” it’s all Dan says for a moment. “They didn’t eat me.”

Phil chuckles, “‘course not. Most of them are nice.”

Dan bites his lip. “Now I kinda wanna meet them.”

“They’ll warm up to you,” he pauses and then adds. “If you keep coming with me.”

That takes Dan a little aback. “Would you let me?”

Phil smiles that kind smile of his. “You can come whenever you want.”

It’s bittersweet, Dan thinks, Phil is giving him so much access to his life. To a life, Dan always wished for since he was a baby witch. A life he is already resigned to never having. Because he couldn't have it, not even now. No matter how nice Phil is, Dan can’t just slot into his life and make it his own. Dan’s time with Phil is finite and it’s safer to get that into his head sooner than later.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Dan doesn’t know much about Sigfrid. Just that he is Phil’s familiar and he kinda hates Dan. It’s fair, he guesses, he hates himself a little when he thinks of all the trouble he could cause Phil. So he’s not really offended by the hound avoiding him most of the time. If anything, he’s surprised to find himself sitting in the living room with Sigfrid laying on the floor across from him, just watching Dan.

Phil’s gone, he left Dan a sticky note on the fridge saying he has errands to run in town. Dan has never been alone with Sigfrid before. It’s weird but Dan can handle it. He hopes.

They stare at each other for what feels like ages. Dan shifts on his seat, feeling self-conscious. He opens his mouth to say something, maybe small talk will make things better. Sigfrid wins him on that.

"You must have really pissed them off."

Dan freezes. Watching the hound talk is just one step from being weird, Dan’s not used to people’s familiars talking to him

"I didn't even know they still cut marks as punishment."

Dan shrugs because he didn't know either.

Sigfrid sits up. He's tall, and Dan feels a tiny bit intimidated.

"Listen, Phil always tries to see the good in everyone and everything. I always tell him that's gonna get him killed someday. But he still trusts the folks in the woods. And you. He trusts you for some reason."

Sigrid moves closer. Dan holds his breath, waiting for the attack. But nothing comes.

"Don't take advantage of that trust, it's what I'm saying."

Dan nods, eyes wide.

"And for the record, this is not a threat. Because if he thinks I threatened you he might turn me into a bug. Again. That asshole" Sigfrid shakes his head.

Dan wants to laugh but he's still pretty much paralyzed.

At that moment the door flies open, Phil comes in carrying a big fabric bag. They stay in place as Phil crosses the doorway.

"What's going on?" He takes a look at Dan and then shifts his gaze to Sigfrid. "What did you tell him? I swear to all the highest powers that if you threatened him…"

"He didn't," Dan rushes to say.

Phil puts his free hand on his hip and clicks his tongue. He looks annoyed. Dan is only mildly surprised that Phil can be anything but imperturbable.

"Sigfrid…"

He sounds so stern, it's almost bizarre.

"I didn't threaten him!"

Dan snaps out of his trance then. "Phil," he tries to sound calm and collected so Phil would believe him. "Sigfrid didn't threaten me. We were talking. It's fine."

Phil turns to him again, he looks Dan over as if he's making sure he's still in one piece.

"You can tell me if he did, though," Phil insists.

Dan shakes his head, "he didn't, I swear," and then to divert attention from the situation he says: "you think you can change my bandages? The cut has been itching a lot."

Phil nods and leaves the room not before giving Sigfrid one last glare.

"I still don't trust you," Sigfrid whispers when he's sure they're out of shot.

"That's ok."

And it really is, because Dan knows who he is, and he'll never do anything to harm someone that has helped him so much. He'll never cause Phil pain, he'd rather swallow broken glass, or be run over by the Wild Hunt, or die in the woods. Anything as long as he's not hurting Phil.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

"I'm extremely sorry about whatever he might have said," Phil says, as soon as they're alone in his room.

"Don't worry about that," Dan grunts as he struggles to take off his shirt -Phil's shirt- without scraping it too much against his chest.

Phil waits for him to finish and sit. He works in silence, seeming deep in thought.

Dan closes his eyes and enjoys the soft brush of Phil's cold fingers against his skin.

“I want you to feel welcome here,” Phil says, voice low like it’s a secret. 

Dan doesn’t know what to say. He feels welcomed but he can’t tell Phil how wrong that is, because Dan can’t let himself get used to this life. Phil’s life.

“Don’t get mad at Sigfrid on my behalf, yeah?” Dan asks instead.

Phil sighs, “he’s an asshole sometimes.”

“He loves you.”

Phil goes silent again for a couple of minutes.

“This already looks a lot better,” he tells Dan. “We can just not use a bandage if you like.”

Dan nods quickly. He hates the bandages but he still feels a little disappointed that he won’t have an excuse to have Phil touching him on that gentle way of his.

Phil sits at the edge of the bed when he is done with Dan, just absently looking at the window. 

He’s pretty, Dan thinks -still with that guilty pang on his heart that he’s been trying to banish. He’s allowed, he reminds himself.- Phil looks like he matches the bright light coming through the window and the soft yellow feature wall, but also the slightly messy desk and the drying flowers on the windowsill. He belongs. 

“I want to give back your room,” Dan disturbs the silence.

Phil seems tired when he looks back at him, “is there anything I can say to make you stay here?”

Dan shakes his head, “the couch is comfortable.”

“Fine then. If that’s what you want.” 

Phil shrugs, pulling himself against the headboard. Dan shifts, giving him more space. He wonders if he should just leave.

Dan’s about to get up when Phil speaks again, “want to try your magic?”

That’s a little unexpected but Dan is curious to see if it has come back. Some days have passed since he had that breakdown, and he is healing quicker now. Maybe his magic has had enough time to recharge.

“Yeah.”

“What’s something easy?” Phil taps his chin. “Levitation?”

Dan snorts, “how’s that easy?”

“What do you suggest then?”

“A fire rune,” he says, feeling like maybe this time he will be able to pull it off.

“I don’t know much about that,” Phil confesses.

“Me either, just this one,” Dan takes a deep breath. “ _Kenaz,”_ he murmurs when he exhales, tracing the boomerang shape on his open palm.

Nothing happens.

“It’s ok,” Phil reassures him.

Dan nods and tries again.

It’s a little hard to not let the dread in but he manages.

He tries ten times without succeeding, and Phil is there encouraging him every time. It’s grounding, but Dan can only endure failing so many times.

Phil rests his hand on Dan’s knee and squeezes.

“One last time, yeah?”

Dan repeats the process, much slower than is necessary. Phil’s hand is still on his knee and it squeezes a little too hard when a faint fire appears on Dan’s palm.

It vanishes almost immediately but it was there, they both saw it. And the shape of the rune shines red for a second. His magic is really not gone, Phil was right.

Dan could scream right now but he just flops down on the bed, too exhausted for anything else.

“You just needed some time,” Phil says.

“Thanks,” Dan looks up at him. He’s grinning, his tongue poking out between his teeth. 

Dan is sure now, Phil is gonna be the death of him.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Slotting into Phil’s life is easier than Dan ever imagined. They fall into a comfortable routine, eating together, watching tv together, gardening together, walking in the woods together. The folks have yet to warm to Dan so he stays behind some nights just to let them have their Phil time. Sigfrid still keeps an eye on Dan but he doesn’t mind too much.

Dan's magic is doing so much better. Phil starts teaching him herbalism, says he’s more of an earth witch. Dan doesn’t know what he is but he enjoys Phil’s company so he might as well be an earth witch. Phil harvests most of his herbs and then dries and grinds them himself, Dan loves to open the kitchen closet and let the lavender smell fill his nostrils. This is a life Dan could get used to -but he can’t, he reminds himself.-

His wound has almost healed completely, Dan notices that the edges of his mark have started to fade. It’s scary but Dan tries not to think about that so much, an that’s not a problem because he’s busy being the happiest he has been in a long long time.

Dan is up early in the morning, watering the plants. It’s already chilly outside, Mabon is coming, Phil reminded him the day before. Dan was planning to get out of Phil’s hair before the equinox, but Phil already made plans with him and Dan doesn’t want to disappoint him. He’s going to stay just one more week, Dan knows that’s for the best. If he lets himself -and Phil- get even more attached, this will turn into a disaster.

Phil doesn’t make it easy for him, always including Dan in his future plans and making him feel so welcomed. Dan wants to stay forever but life's not fair and he doesn’t belong here.

Back inside the house, Phil is making breakfast and bickering with Sigfrid. They stop when they notice Dan. Phil smiles at him the moment he sees him, that smile that makes Dan feel warm inside and grinn so wide both of his dimples pop up. 

Sigfrid huffs, “that’s gonna burn.”

Phil yelps and turns back to the stove to flip a pancake. Dan shakes his head fondly. He can feel Sigfrid staring at him. Dan goes to sit beside him. At least he doesn’t leave every room that Dan enters anymore.

“Dan,” Phil says over his shoulder. “Do you wanna go to town with me?”

“Oh,” Dan considers it for a second. “Would that be a good idea?”

“Why not?”

“Wouldn’t that be suspicious? If I just appear out of nowhere.”

“You’re my friend,” Phil shrugs like that’s enough of an answer.

Dan doesn’t want anyone to scrutinize him or Phil. Especially not Phil. It would be too reckless to just go around town and not expect anyone to wonder where he came from.

“What do you think?” Dan asks Sigfrid.

He looks at Dan seeming pleased that he asked. “Hate to agree with Phil, but no one would care.”

Dan is surprised that Sigfrid is not opposed to this.

“No one will care,” Phil repeats, turning around to looks straight at Dan. “You’re my friend.”

Dan will never be able to explain what he feels at that moment hearing Phil call him his friend with such sincerity. Something constricts his chest and keeps him from breathing right. He has to clench his jaw hard, to keep himself from weeping. 

Has he ever had a friend? 

“Ok, I’ll go.”

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Dan is nervous the whole time they're out, feeling everyone eyes' on him. At first, he's constantly looking over his shoulder but then he decides that's even more suspicious and just looks down at his feet. There are so many people on the street and at the shops, Dan knocks shoulders with a stranger one too many times, and he holds his breath and looks like a deer caught in headlights every time. But the other witches just apologize and keep walking.

Phil makes everything better, though. Dan just has to look his way to get a reassuring smile or a brush of Phil's hand on his back. It's not gonna make Dan's fear of getting caught go completely away, but Phil makes the stress a little worth it. Especially so when he is rummaging around the apple container, bringing apples to his ear and tapping them in a way Dan remembers his nana doing. It's endearing, and also soul-crushing. He can't let himself think about his family, it'll be too much in this moment and he wants to enjoy Phil's company while he can.

So he goes and taps some apples with Phil, even if he doesn't know why they do it, it makes Phil smile and Dan can't think of sad things when he is looking at Phil. 

Dan has done his fair share of stupid things but he reckons to get a crush on a guy that he has known for less than a month and that he will have to leave soon is on the top of the list.

Dan has known heartbreak before but he has never felt like this for someone, he has never known someone like Phil. He will survive, but he knows a little piece of his heart will always live at a house in the woods with a kitchen that smells like lavender and a good witch that's more of an earth witch whose smile Dan would go to hell and back for.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

They bake a pie and make a big mess of the kitchen. Phil ends up with flour all over his jeans and Dan nearly burns his hand one too many times. They laugh so much their ribs hurt. Dan can’t remember ever doing much for the equinox, maybe some meditation. But Phil says they have to go out to the woods to leave some offerings for the fair folk and collect dried leaves to put on the table. Dan is fine with whatever Phil wants to do.

Later, they sit at the table and have pie for dinner because they forgot to cook something else, they just laugh uncontrollably while Sigfrid shakes his head disapprovingly and Dan wants to stop time and live in this moment forever because the word happy keeps flashing over and over in his head and he doesn’t know where he is going to find the strength to walk away from this. 

Phil pours them each a glass of wine and lights a cinnamon scented candle. Everything has been so nice so far but of course -of course- Dan has to ruin it somehow. Maybe is his subconscious trying to sabotage him when out of nowhere he says:

“That pie was so good, Phil.”

“Yeah,” Phil smiles.

He grins so wide and does the tongue thing and Dan should just keep his mouth shut but apparently he can’t.

“Can I take what’s left when I leave?”

Phil’s smile falters and he frowns, clearly confused, “where would you go?”

Dan feels his blood run cold, he straightens in his seat trying to think of some way to fix this. There’s nothing to say, just the truth.

“I was gonna tell you,” he can’t even look at Phil. “I-”

“My head hurts,” Phil cuts him off. “I’m going to lay down.”

He stands up so fast Dan can't do anything but watch him go, feeling miserable again. He runs a hand through his hair, messing it up.

“Fuck,” he whispers.

“It’s ok, kid,” Sigfrid knocks his head with Dan’s shoulder.

“Fuck,” Dan repeats. “I always mess everything up.”

“You can fix this.”

“How?” He sounds pathetic even to his own ears, this was not the right way to do this. Dan feels so stupid.

“Talk to him.”

Dan looks directly at Sigfrid, studies his face. “You want me to leave,” he says, It’s not a reproach, just a simple observation.

“I can’t say that I trust you much,” he admits. “But your presence makes Phil happy. And even if he drives me mad, I only ever want him to be happy.”

Maybe Dan hasn’t really considered how Phil might feel about him being here, maybe Phil actually appreciates his company. That just seems like a wild dream to Dan. 

“I think it would be better if I just leave now,” there’s no conviction in his voice but if Sigfrid agrees, Dan is walking out right now.

Sigfrid huffs, “better for who?”

“I know what he’ll say, if I go talk to him,” Dan shakes his head. “He will tell me to stay and I’m not strong enough to say that I won’t.”

“Would that be so bad?”

“I ruin everything I touch,” he says.

“That’s not true, Dan.” Sigfrid pauses for a second. “You are good.”

Dan’s eyes fly to Sigfrid’s face, “I can’t be.”

“Why not?”

“I just can’t.”

“No one is born to be good or bad. You can’t let that mark, or the lack of it, define you.”

“You still don’t trust me, because of this mark,” Dan points to his chest.

“And there you’re wrong. I didn't trust you because I didn’t know what you did to get it broken. But Phil told me it wasn’t any of our business. And he was right.”

Dan takes a deep breath, “I was undeserving.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything. Just promise me you’ll do the right thing.”

“Stay?” Dans asks, incredulous.

Sigfrid sighs, “talk to Phil and you’ll know.”

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Dan goes to Phil's room, he doesn't even bother to knock just pushes the door open. Phil isn't laying down like he said he would, instead, he's sitting at the desk. The colorful lamp is the only illumination in the room. It feels inappropriate for the dense atmosphere.

"Am I such bad company?" Phil asks as soon as Dan steps in, he's looking out of the window, a deep frown almost joining his eyebrows together.

"Of course you're not," Dan rushes to say.

"Then why are you so determined to leave?"

Dan takes a shaky breath.

"Unless you actually want to find another place. Maybe I'm just a selfish fool."

"Is not like that, Phil."

Phil turns around on the spinning chair. "Then what is it like? Because I've been trying to figure it out and I still don't understand."

Dan doesn't know what to say.

"I could handle your rage, I just told myself you didn't really mean it. But today you said you were leaving with such security," he shrugs. "Like you have already come to terms with it."

"I never thought of staying," Dan admits. It's the truth. At least he owns that to Phil.

Phil sighs. "But why not?"

He sounds defeated, tired. Dan feels like that too.

"I don't belong here." Dan sits down on the bed.

"You can, if you want to,” Phil has some kind of wild look on his eyes, like he can’t comprehend why Dan is being so stubborn. “This can be your home too."

Dan doesn't know where to begin, how to explain to Phil why he can't have this. How to tell him he's broken.

"But I'm bad. I don't deserve this." 

"You're not bad," Phil gets up from the chair and sits down next to Dan. 

"Phil," Dan lets out a week laugh. "You don't know that."

"I know," he insists. 

"Not even the bad witches thought I was deserving of this mark. I'm not good enough for them, and I'm not good enough for you."

"Whoever told you that is so wrong" Phil shakes his head and lets himself flop on the bed. "Come here," he pats the space beside him.

Dan doesn't have it in himself to keep fighting so he just lays down next to Phil.

"Please stay here," Phil whispers, looking up to the ceiling. "With no limit of time. Forever if possible," he says that even more quietly but Dan still manages to catch it.

"I would like to do that," Dan whispers back.

"Why do I feel there is a but?" Phil turns on his side, to look directly at Dan. 

Dan shrugs, turning to look at Phil too.

"There are a lot of buts, Phil."

The colorful light makes Phil look like he's glowing. He's beautiful and Dan is weak. He can't resist those sad eyes. That warm hand coming to rest on his waist. Phil's nose brushing against his neck. Phil's small voice when he tells Dan to stay one more time. 

Dan never stood a chance

  
  


⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Phil falls asleep like that, clinging to Dan. He can't say he minds at all, better to enjoy it while he can. Still, staying in Phil's bed is torture, he's getting a taste of something he'll never have. Because even if he stays, he surely can't have this, he can't have Phil.

No matter what Sigfrid said earlier or what Phil thinks, Dan ruins everything he touches and he's not letting himself ruin Phil. Maybe staying here is not a good idea after all. Perhaps he should just leave while everyone sleeps. That idea makes him feel sick.

What Dan should do is tell Phil everything, tell him why he is here, then Phil will understand why Dan doesn't deserve this. He should just open the Pandora box, let all the bad things out of his head. But for that he would have to let himself think about it, to remember. And that might destroy him.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

One thing changes after the equinox.

Dan can't remember Phil being very tactile before but he has been stealing soft touches all day. A gentle brush of Phil's hand on Dan's shoulder, their knees pressed together while they watch the telly, a deliberate knock of the shoulders while they pass each other in the hallway. Dan wonders if Phil is just making sure that he is actually there, that he didn't leave last night. Dan himself is not sure this is real.

The most unexpected thing happens that night. 

They have been binging a show all evening, both ignoring what happened last night, trying to go through life as they had before. It's late, Dan is tired after barely sleeping the other night. Phil has been yawning every few minutes for the last half an hour. They should sleep, but Dan wants to stretch every second he gets to spend with Phil just in case all of this vanishes in front of him tomorrow, or the day after that. Maybe it isn't very healthy to spend his days being anxious and afraid, always waiting for the worst but it has happened before, he wants to be ready for it this time. Probably, Phil will disapprove of this line of thought. Good thing he can't read Dan's mind.

Dan's not even paying attention to the show anymore, he's squinting his eyes in order to keep them open. He's reluctant but he puts his hand on Phil's shoulder and gives a soft shake.

"I'm awake," Phil mumbles, not sounding very so.

"It's late." Dan points out.

Phil sighs.

"Come on, Phil," Dan shakes his shoulder with more vigour.

"Fine," he stands up.

Phil stumbles his way to the staircase, Dan watches him -as he constantly does.- He stops and turns to look at Dan, like he is waiting for something. 

"Aren’t you coming?"

Dan sits there, his brain not really comprehending what Phil is asking.

"Come on," Phil urges him and starts climbing up the stairs.

Is Phil really asking Dan to sleep with him? Did Dan's tired brain hallucinate that?

He decides to take the risk and go up to Phil's room.

The lights are off, Phil is already on bed when Dan opens the door. He peels an eye open and lifts the blanket for Dan to get under.

Should this be weird? Dan doesn't feel weird at all laying next to Phil. If anything, it feels right in a way Dan is sure it shouldn't. 

Of course, he'll read more into this when he is less sleepy.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Dan expects this new sleeping arrangement to become awkward, but a week passes and it still feels as natural as that first day. 

He constantly feels like he is walking a very thin line and a misstep will send him into misery, his life can't be this good just because. The universe must have a plan to make him suffer for eternity, giving him a taste of everything he has ever desired and wished for and then taking it away just as easily.

"You seem troubled," Phil comments.

They have been hanging on bed, it's late but not really the time they would usually go to sleep. Phil has been reading and Dan has been looking at the ceiling, tormenting himself with his pessimistic thoughts.

"Just trying to understand how the universe works," Dan shrugs.

"That's not possible. You'll just give yourself a headache," Phil leans in and boops his nose.

And just like that, Phil makes him smile. It's ridiculous, how much instant happiness Phil can give Dan.

Dan closes his eyes, still beaming at Phil. "You're a mystery of the universe."

Phil snorts.

He pushes Dan lightly on the side. Dan just smiles wider. 

"Your mum is a mystery of the universe," Phil says.

Dan opens his eyes, slightly surprised. "She is." He agrees. "I suspect we all are."

Phil rolls into his side, curling closer to Dan, he rubs his cold foot against Dan's calf. Dan doesn't even complain at this point, Phil has been doing it the whole week.

"You shouldn't be allowed to go around saying deep shit at random hours of the night."

"It's the sleep deprivation."

Phil shakes his head. "We should sleep earlier."

There it is again, Phil including Dan in his life, fitting him in like a long missing puzzle piece. Dan can admit to himself that he loves it, he craves this security. A constant and stable life where he and Phil are a 'we', some kind of unit.

Again, too good to be his life.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

A loud bang wakes Dan up. He's confused for a second and then he feels something touch his leg. He throws himself off the bed so quickly, he ends up face down on the floor.

"Fuck," he grunts, getting up, still breathless but determined to fight whatever thing invade the bed.

He starts to think about some strong spell to immobilize the invader. Thunder sounds in the distance and seconds later the room is illuminated by lighting. Dan notices the curled up bulge on the bed. It seems to be shaking.

"Sigfrid?" He asks, confusion taking over his brain.

The hound just whines.

"You scared the shit out of me." 

He lets out a shaky laugh and looks over to Phil. He's still sound asleep.

"Phil, you can't have slept thought that, mate." 

Phil hums in acknowledgment. Dan shakes his head fondly.

Once the adrenaline has clear off a little of his body, Dan lays down again.

Thick rain is pouring outside, constant thunder and lightning cracking through the sky. Dan has always liked storms but he can see how they can be scary.

"Phil," he whispers. "Sigfrid is really scared."

Phil turns around then, eyes still closed. He blindly pats the bed till he reaches Sigfrid.

"There, there," he mumbles.

"Really, man?" Dan shakes his head.

Phil retreats his hand from Sigfrid and uses it to mess with Dan's hair.

"There, there," he repeats.

Well, if Phil is not going to wake up. Dan is gonna have to get hands on the matter.

"It's alright, buddy," he tells Sigfrid.

He only whines.

Dan sighs. He sits up and pulls Sigfrid up to lay between Dan and Phil, he's not exactly light as a feather but Dan manages.

"Just so you know," Sigfrid says, voice strained. "I won't remember this in the morning."

"That's fair," Dan laughs, not expecting any less. 

An especially close-sounding clap of thunder rumbles through the room. Sigfrid yelps and hides his face under Dan's arm.

Dan just laughs again and pats him on the back.

"There, there." 

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Sigfrid is true to his word and acts like that night never happened, but his relationship with Dan seems to improve. It had been better since the equinox, but now Dan actually feels like they are friends.

The sun is shining outside even though the wind is chilly, Sigfrid tells Dan they should go out to enjoy the day. That's how they end up laying down on the grass rating jelly beans while they look up at the sky. 

Phil's not home. Dan wonders if he would be happy to see him and Sigfrid hanging out. Dan has the feeling he would.

"The green one is disgusting," Sigfrid informs him.

"All lemon flavored shit tastes disgusting."

"That's not lemon flavored. It's lime."

"It's the same."

"It's definitely not the same."

A giggle coming from somewhere at their back makes them stop. Dan turns around to find Phil watching them from the doorframe.

"I see you found my secret candy stock."

"It's not secret if it's literally in the pantry," Sigfrid says.

Phil looks delighted, he laughs and comes to sit down with them.

"How was your morning?" Dan asks, laying back down.

"Boring without you two."

Sigfrid makes gagging sounds.

"Shut up," Phil says without real intention and beams at him.

Phil ends up laying down with his head on Dan's stomach. They all look at the sky and try to find the coolest looking clouds. 

It's a good day, most days are great for Dan now, he tries not to think about the ghosts he's been carrying. It helps that no one asks him about it, it helps he feels safe.

  
  


⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Some days are bad.

It comes out of nowhere, it's a stupid contrast. Yesterday was a good day but today is full of dark clouds, symbolically and literally. 

The ghosts are screaming in Dan's head. Everything's a blur of blended together memories and sorrowful thoughts.

To live inside his own head is something Dan doesn't want right now. Being awake is exhausting. So he sleeps all morning because he didn't sleep at night, he drifts in and out of his slumber, feeling more and more restless every time.

Phil comes to check on him eventually, because he has never seen Dan like this and he is worried and Dan wishes he could feel anything other than this guilt.

"Hey," Phil whispers.

Dan feels the mattress dip beside him but he doesn't want to turn around and face Phil.

"Hey," he forces himself to say back, his throat feeling like sandpaper.

"You haven't come down all day," Phil sounds worried. "Are you feeling sick?"

"Yeah."

It's true, in a way. Dan feels sick but he also doesn't feel anything.

Phil stays quiet, Dan still refuses to turn around. He just wants to sleep. 

Phil wiggles beside him and Dan feels a tentative touch on his waist. He doesn't move, doesn't even breathe. Phil drapes himself around Dan. Dan lets him, he's not sure if that makes him feel better or worse but at least he kind of wants to cry now and that's something.

"I don't deserve you," he says, choked up.

"I hate when you say that." It's Phil's answer.

Dan doesn't cry, he doesn't have the energy for that. But he thinks that later he might. Maybe he will sneak out at night and sit at the swing bench and just let the tears flow. 

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

The sun has already set when Dan opens his eyes again. 

Phil is gone. 

Dan doesn't want to be here anymore. He forces himself to stand up, wash his face and his teeth and go downstairs.

The living room is quiet but the moment Dan steps on there, Sigfrid is rushing to his side.

"You must be hungry," he says as greeting.

Dan nods. He's not but he hates to make everyone worry and if Sigfrid wants to feed him, Dan's gonna let him.

"There's stir-fry in that pan."

It's still warm. Dan eats it directly from the pan, not even bothering to get a fork.

"Phil should come back soon, I think."

Dan nods.

Sigfrid lingers by Dan's side while he eats. Dan can feel the anxious vibes he's emitting.

"I'm fine," he tries to appease Sigfrid.

"Has this happened before?"

Dan shrugs, "yeah."

"Dan…"

"My head is too loud sometimes. It forces me to think about shit I just want to forget."

"I'll fight all your demons and kick them out of your head."

Dan laughs for the first time today, it still is odd and a little forced but the sentiment is sincere.

"I wish you could."

They move to the living room when Dan is done eating. The telly is playing some cooking show that neither of them is really paying much attention to. Sigfrid lays his head on Dan's lap and he strokes his thin fur.

Dan wishes he could feel more at peace but there's still that persistent voice in his head, telling him he's never going to be good enough to fit in here, he'll only take what Phil and Sigfrid give him and twist it.

  
  


⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Dan is up very early, he busies himself in the garden. Watering the plants and pulling out weeds.

The sky is of that opaque grey color of the time before the sun is completely up. It's the color of transition between night and day. Dan feels opaque grey right now. It's better than black but not as good as blue.

Dan sits on the swing bench. He thinks about how much his life has changed in the last month. He would have never dreamed of having what he has now.

It's not forbidden to be friends with a good witch. Dan remembers his nana used to be friends with one. Her name was Freya. She was a sweet lady. He remembers one time she was visiting, Dan begged her to take him with her. Dan's dad got so angry, he wasn't allowed to be around Freya anymore.

He could have gone to a bigger city when he moved out of his childhood home, a city where dark and good witches coexisted in harmony. But he thought he wasn't allowed, his father's severe stare coming to mind every time he thought about being near a good witch. He doesn't want to blame anyone for his shit but maybe those little things added up to turn him into the mess he is today. 

"What are you doing out here?" Phil sits down beside him, he looks sleepy still.

"Thinking about my traumatic childhood," he tries to laugh it off.

Phil frowns. 

"You can talk to me."

"I know," Dan takes in a shaky breath. "I just don't want to sound like a broken record," he lets out a weak laugh.

Phil stays quiet and puts his hand on Dan's knee.

"I know you disagree but I can't stop feeling inadequate. I don't think I should still be here, Phil."

Phil shakes his head and looks down to the ground, he doesn't pull his hand away and Dan is thankful for that.

Dan looks at the side of Phil's face, at his glasses hanging at the tip of his nose and he makes a deliberate decision.

"I should just tell you what happened that night, when you found me. Then you'll understand."

Phil looks up with a rather violent movement. Dan can see some moisture clinging to his eyes. His stomach turns.

"I don't wanna know."

"Phil…"

"No. I know who you are, I don't care about what happened."

"It will kill me, if I don't tell you."

They stare at each other, Dan can see how tightly Phil is clenching his teeth. How his jaw quivers a little.

"I got a job at a video games store, my coworkers were jerks that constantly tried to rile me up. I hated everything about that job but I needed to pay my bills," Dan shrugs. "It had been a month since I started working, and these two dudes come up to me and invite me to grab a drink. I refused at first but they kept pressing me and I end up agreeing. They took me to a house. It looked old and abandoned, and they said it was a great drinking spot. I tried to leave but they started to call me a coward," he lets out a bitter laugh. "I was scared, I am a coward, but I hated that those guys could read me so easily. So I went in. We drank for a few hours, I could tell they were pretty intoxicated but I had only had one beer. Then they started daring each other to do stuff, to move shit with magic or make the other freeze in place. They dared me to do stuff too. It was random at first and then they said I should do a summoning. I had never done that before, I knew how to, in theory but I didn't want to. They got violent, told me I wasn't a real witch, that I didn't deserve my powers."

Dan feels goosebumps rise all over his body, he pulls his knees to his chest and focuses really hard on keeping the tears from falling off his eyes, he couldn't allow himself to think about it before and remember what happened that night makes his whole body ache. 

All his life, he has been told he was not good enough. His father, the kids at school, his teachers and partners. Everyone could see it, Dan didn't want Phil to see it. But now he knows. He knows Dan is weak and a failure and never deserved Phil's kindness.

"It's not that hard to do a summoning, you know," Dan keeps going. "You can do it with basic demonology knowledge. Maybe I should have sucked it up and drawn the fucking pentagram. But I hate dark magic, I really do. Demons are evil, why would anyone want to summon one?" Dan pauses to look back at Phil. "I didn't want to be like them. I have always been an ungrateful bastard, always dreaming about being different when I should have conformed to what I had. I thought that I was better than the dark ones, morally superior or some bullshit. I'm not." Dan can feel the first tear rolling down his cheek but he doesn't care anymore. "One of the dudes grabbed me from behind while the other went to get something from a bag. I thought they were just going to kill me. They started to chant a spell I didn't know. I didn't even fight, Phil, I knew I deserved whatever they were going to do. They cut my shirt and revealed my mark, I was confused for a second and then I felt the sharp pain. It was like they were lighting fire to my insides," Dan cleans his face with the sleeve of the hoodie he's wearing. "They said I was doomed and I shall never be close to another witch again because I would only make them like me."

Dan closes his eyes, he hears Phil let out a soft noise, something like a sob, then he is pulling Dan close to him and rocking them both back and forth.

"Dan," he says, choked out. "Dan, there's no darkness in your heart."

Dan can't understand why Phil is saying that, did he not hear what Dan just said? He is doomed. He's ungrateful and arrogant and bad.

"I didn't want to do the summoning because I thought I was above the dark witches. That's wrong, Phil. I deserve what happened."

Phil shakes his head, Dan can feel his hair tickling at his chin from how close they are.

"You didn't have to prove yourself to those guys and what they did to you is actually illegal."

Dan has never considered something like that before. He was convinced that his whole existence and decisions had led him to the moment when those witches cut his mark. He thought it was a fair punishment, he no longer was a dark witch but he will never be a good witch either. 

He doesn't want to believe he was the victim of some kind of crime. That can't be true.

"That doesn't make sense Phil."

"It does. I know you don't want to believe it but it does."

Phil pulls away from Dan to put his hands on his cheeks and make Dan look straight at him, at his sincere and intense and beautiful eyes.

"You didn't do anything wrong."

Dan is speechless.

He was so sure he was the only one to blame before, but Phil would never lie to him. It must be true then. He's confused.

"I need to think," he closes his eyes. "I need to be alone for a while." 

He rushes to put his hands over Phil's so he doesn't think Dan doesn't want him close, he just needs time. Phil looks disappointed for a second but composes himself. He starts to pull away but Dan holds his hands in place, he turns his face and kisses the palm of Phil’s hand.

"I'm sorry, I'm a mess, Phil."

Phil shakes his head, Dan can see another tear slipping down his cheek.

"I like you the way you are."

Dan lets the corners of his lips lift a little.

"I'll come back to you, I promise."

He leans in and plants a chaste kiss on Phil's forehead. 

Pulling away is hard but Dan forces himself to do it, he needs to make up his mind. 

He stands up and walks away.

  
  


⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Dan meanders for a while, away from the house but not towards the woods. When Phil took him to town -what feels like years ago- they took the bus but Dan doesn’t have the nerve to ride it alone right now.

Maybe it is a stupid decision, to go to town when he is so obviously conflicted but he needs to feel like a real being, tucked away at Phil’s house, gardening and watching TV and taking walks with Phil, it is so easy to forget that the world didn’t stop when Dan arrived here. It’s easy to feel safe but also, is easy to forget he actually exists.

Walking the streets it’s a little harder when he doesn’t have Phil to calm him down. He still looks over his shoulder now and then but Dan tries to stay calm until he can reach a place where he feels secure enough to sit down and think.

He reaches a little park, there are picnic tables and benches and flowers, it feels peaceful enough. It’s still early so there’s isn’t a lot of people hanging at the park, Dan sits at one of the tables and watches the witches taking a morning run, the ones walking with their familiars or just passing by.

They all look the same. Not really the same _same,_ obviously. But they are all witches enjoying the clean air. There’s no distinction between dark and good. Perhaps it doesn’t really matter after all. They are here under the same sky, smiling at each other when they pass, because they’re not living in the past century like Dan feels he has.

He spent years burning archaic rules on his brain, convincing himself he should never be near a good witch, he never stopped to look at his reality. 

Sure, there weren’t lots of good witches living in his hometown and even if they were, he wouldn’t have known unless he asked because they are all the same. They all look the same. Good witches don’t have a halo hanging over their heads. Dark witches are not evil. He remembers what Sigfrid told him, everyone has the capacity to do good or bad regardless of the mark they have on their chests. Dan really understands it now.

It’s weird that Dan never saw it like that before, but he thinks he didn’t want to. He really thought he was better than his folks, and there’s where he got it wrong. If only he had seen that no kind of witch was better than the other, that he was allowed to want to learn different things and he didn’t have to stop being who he was for that to be possible. Things would be so different.

Dan lets his mind wander, lets it take him to a fantastic time where he told someone about his demons and he learned to keep them at bay, where he moved into this town because he wanted to, he got a job he actually liked and a little house with plants to take care of. 

He imagines coming to this same park and sitting at this same table. He imagines seeing Phil for the first time, like this. He would be walking with Sigfrid after running some errands. Dan would think he’s cute but he’ll be too shy to say hello. Phil would leave and Dan would be left wondering -just like now- if he would ever see him again. Then, one day, when Dan least expects it they would meet again, at a shop maybe. Dan would feel brave, he would say hello this time. Phil would smile at him and they would chat and Dan would ask him out and they would fall in love eventually, maybe. Dan would fall in love, he knows. He has a foot in there already but something is stopping him now, that perhaps wouldn’t stop him in that other world.

How is he going to love Phil with a broken heart?

He needs to sort his life before he can even think about sharing it with Phil. 

He surprises himself thinking about his mum, missing her for the first time in this month. He feels like he can now.

He didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t do anything wrong!

He deserves to see his mum again, and his nana and his brother and Colin. He deserves to have a family and live his life without fear. He deserves to love himself and to love Phil. 

Dan will never have his mark back, those guys took that away from him but Dan is tired of losing. He doesn’t need it to know who he is.

**⋇⋆Epilogue⋆⋇**

_“Hey, mum, it’s Dan. Sorry I haven't contacted you in a while. Something happened. It… wasn’t good. I would like to talk to you. Call me soon.”_

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Life doesn’t immediately become better for Dan. When he understands the reality and magnitude of what happened to him, it all comes rushing down on him, pushing him to the ground and almost crushing him. He grieves for what he lost, he gets sad and then angry and then sad again. Even if he knows there isn't any point to it. He thinks he’s allowed to have all those feelings. He’s allowed to cry.

He lets himself feel the pain and he also lets himself feel the comfort that Phil provides. He thinks he deserves that too, a hug and a warm cup of tea between his hands. 

Phil changes the dried flowers from the windowsill, Dan knows that it’s for him. Phil spends two nights looking for a potion that makes the flowers stay alive for longer. He gets it all wrong and it only makes the flowers turn blue. But it makes Dan laugh so hard he cries again and he wants to kiss Phil, he wants to kiss him so badly. He wants to tell him he’s the only star shining on Dan’s constant night. But he can’t do that right now.

So he does the best next thing. He takes Phil’s hand in his and squeezes -maybe too hard- but Phil beams at him and brushes the hair out of Dan’s eyes.

This is good enough, for now. Still, Dan can’t wait for the future to come.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

It’s hard to live it all again when he tells his mum. He’s not looking at the situation with numb eyes anymore. Someone hurt Dan but he’ll be fine, that’s what he tells his mum as she cries on the phone, Dan cries too. It hurts but he’ll heal.

His mum wants to see him. She says they need to talk to the police. Dan feels sick just thinking about it. It might be the right thing to do, but Dan is not sure he can go through that. 

He agrees to see her anyway, because she’s worried and Dan misses her.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Dan goes to his mum’s for a couple of days. Regardless of his realization and new vision of the world he lives in, he’s anxious the whole train ride to his hometown. He wishes Phil was with him, reassuring him that the other witches weren’t actually looking at him and speculating about his life. 

It’s a hard couple of hours but he survives.

He texts Phil when the train arrives at the station. Phil sends him a picture of him and Sigfrid having breakfast. It makes Dan smile and calm down a little.

His mum is waiting for him at the station, and Dan hesitates a little before going up to her but any doubts he has vanish away when she almost tackles him to the ground with the force of her embrace the moment she sees him.

Dan thought he would dread it more, to be back on this place, where he was so unhappy for so many years. But he feels like he’s closing a circle.

He talks to his mum, tells her all that happened in the last month. He tells her about Phil. Dan has never told her about his sexuality before, but he decides there’s no point of being afraid of that right now. She doesn’t even blink an eye, Dan is grateful for that and even more grateful when she says she would like to meet Phil someday.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Karen insists on reporting what happened to the authorities. Dan is reluctant at first, he doesn’t want to be on the news, he doesn’t want people treating him like a victim but his mum convinces him when she says that this could happen to someone else. That’s the last push he needs to agree with her.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

A couple of days turn into a couple of weeks.

Dan wants to give it all up and just go back to Phil, where he feels safe. But he needs to finish what he started, no matter how terrified he is. He wants to be brave and speak up for all the times he couldn’t before.

The men who attacked him get the punishment they deserve, and Dan wishes he could feel good about it. But he can’t even hate them. He’s tired of hating.

  
  


⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

He stays at his mum’s for a while, talking to Phil on the phone every opportunity. Missing Phil, but still not wanting to go back to him until he’s sure he’s not going to break the moment he sees him.

Dan thinks about what he wants to do with his life, he can’t just go back to Phil’s and hide from the world forever. He wants to live, to feel free.

He wants to get a job he actually likes and live in a little house with plants to take care of. He wants Phil and Sigfrid to visit him, he wants to take Phil on a date and fall in love with him.

He can actually have it now.

  
  


⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Seen Phil again feels like coming back home. 

They hug at the train station, when Phil comes to pick Dan up. Dan holds his hand and refuses to let it go until they’re back at Phil’s house. Sigfrid greets them there, he’s excited to see Dan again. It warms Dan’s heart, he can barely remember the time when Sigfrid hated him. It all seems so far away.

Dan tells them what he wants, the job, the house, the life. Phil supports Dan thoroughly, says he will help Dan decorate, says he will have to leave a free drawer for Phil. 

Dan wonders if Phil feels the same certainty that something is happening between them, beautiful, slow and shining through the sea of uncertainties of Dan's life.

He’s going to ask Phil out on that date, take him to his hometown to meet his mum, cook him dinner, kiss him on the street. Because Dan feels brave when he is with Phil. And someday maybe he will move back in here to the house in the woods with a kitchen that smells like lavender, with a Phil that he loves and that loves him back. 

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

“Hey, Dan, would you be ok closing on your own today? I have to run home,” Lily asks him.

He waves a hand. “Go, go. I’ll be fine.”

She smiles at him and almost trips over her own feet as she tries to put on her coat at the same time she opens the door of the bookshop.

It’s almost closing time, maybe half an hour more. Dan already wants to leave but also, he is excited about this new responsibility. His boss trusts him enough to ask him to do the closing up!

He wants to share his happiness and he knows who would appreciate this silly little thing just as much as Dan.

He takes out his phone and rings Phil.

“Guess who’s closing up on his own tonight?” He says the moment Phil pics up.

“Are you serious?” Phil asks, matching Dan’s excited tone.

“Yeah! Lily just left. Can you believe I’m trustworthy?” he jokes.

He can imagine Phil shaking his head while he tries to hold back his smile.

“Of course you are.”

“So… I was thinking. Since I reached a milestone in my job that is even better than a promotion, maybe I should celebrate?”

“Yeah?”

“If only I had a boyfriend that was willing to ride the bus to come see me. And also bring me cake,” he pauses. “And ice cream.”

“Why do I have to ride the bus?” Phil whines, not even bothering to play along.

“Because I did the important thing!”

“You haven’t even done the thing. What if you lose the key and have to stay there all night?”

“Oh, dear. Don’t even joke!” Dan complains. Knowing himself, he might lose the key and have to stay there all night guarding the books.

“I’m already wearing pajamas! You come here.”

“But you can get dressed! and I don’t wanna ride the bus,” Dan pouts even thought Phil can't see him.

“Ugh,” Phil groans. “Fine,” he’s rolling his eyes, Dan knows. “What flavor cake?”

“Do you know me at all?”

“Chocolate.”

“Obviously.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> You can reblog [here](https://babethepig.tumblr.com/post/190860646475/let-chance-take-me-to-your-shore)
> 
> Title from Conjuro by Darío Jaramillo Agudelo.


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